Friends: A Slytherins Guide To Bribery, Extortion, And Exploitation
This life-changing book will take you through: the simplest and quickest means to obtain friends; the ways in which said friends can be used to your advantage; and the proper way to cash in on the investment you have made in these companionships.
*Please note that this book is the work of a true Slytherin, though editing was outsourced to a Ravenclaw. As one does.
I would like to thank my editor, Janessa Adel, for all her hard work on this book. It’s good that her one and only worth as a Ravenclaw can be put to such a noble cause.
All non-Slytherin “additions” will be spelled to identify the slanderer. I will find you.
This book is for every young Witch or Wizard feeling pressured by traditional concepts of love and friendship.
Prologue:Back to Basics
If you are holding this high-quality, dragon skin bound, gilded book1 in your hands then I can only speculate you must be from an arrogant, affluent family and possess excellent taste in literature. You also must be very clever to understand that success is not just about having money and power — it’s about how you use it. That is to say: If one couldn’t use one’s inheritance to obtain even more wealth and power, then pure-blood families never would have survived past The Great Blizz. Show your pride, pretension, and confidence to the outside world while, with your naturally sharpened pure-blood mind, remaining vigilant for every chance, every small opportunity, to better yourself in this world. There is always room for improvement in every Witch and Wizard, whether it’s a step up in status, a business gain, the ability to type coherent sentences, or a renewed sense of safety for your own well-being.
So, by this point you must be wondering: Why do I need to read this crass, bloated, Slytherin-penned book? How could a book about friends possibly help me reach my current goals? As a student, too young to reach into your trust fund or campaign for political office, you may feel that it’s too early to worry about your future. What could you further improve in your life now that could possibly be of any use to you in the adult world? You’re already on your way to learning the practicalities of dueling, the athleticism of quidditch, and the fine art of potioneering. Why would making friends be a worthy goal? Isn’t networking just a lowly, dirty muggle concept? Fie! This book will assist you in becoming the world’s most significant and haughty twat.
Modern studies conducted by brilliant Ravenclaw alumni state that there is something to be said for the effects of friendship on the young mind. A feeling of companionship can, in many students’ cases, ease the tension of their studies and give a solid sense of belonging.
But let’s just skip the niceties and logic of conventional wisdom, shall we? As a noble Slytherin, you don’t need all that. Know it or not, you already have a sense of belonging. Trust me, I know you. Chances are you are not truly pure-blood yourself; this is Inter-Webs, after all. The Slytherin lending you their potions book probably isn’t even a half-blood prince, but rather a pure “mudblood.” However, most of us can easily trace our family history back to great and powerful Wizards of the past. Since you have made it into Slytherin you can likely trace your bloodline back to the House of Black within three generations.2 What greater sense of belonging can there be than that which comes from the shared treasure of the past, present, and future of Wizard-kind?
No, the need for friendship is much greater than a sense of camaraderie. A friend is not someone you necessarily need to rely on when times are tough, but instead someone you can make use of in any situation. If you were handed this book by your father and, with a casual glance at the title, thought: “Why, I certainly don’t need any soft-hearted, sentimental friendship advice,” then congratulations.
You are ready for Chapter Two.
If you are still harboring beliefs of friendly conviviality and fellowship, do read on; your sense of the basics are sorely tainted.
To miss out on the opportunity to build friendships with ease in your youth would be a tragedy — the concepts and goals detailed in this book may (if your future has any merit to begin with) become more complex when applied to adult life. Building connections, opening new paths, and surrounding yourself with layers of carefully constructed barricades to all incoming dangers proves most efficient when instigated early in life. Laying these foundations while you are still in school will guarantee strong and reliable resources for years to come.
Why does it matter so much to start early? School is an ideal setting for creating new friendships. Nowhere in life will you find so many of your peers in the exact same stage of growth and knowledge as you.3 As a student in a school such as Hogwarts, you have the added bonus of skipping the guesswork in discovering your peers’ personalities and basic beliefs. True, there is some variance and duality across the Houses of Hogwarts, but for the most part you can easily determine when it’s best to speak your mind and when you should observe the situation and file facts away for later use. Sharing your inner ambitions is all well and good amongst most Slytherins and perhaps even some choice members of the infinitely superior Ravenclaw house. However, I’m sure you know that you need to have a guarded tongue around overly-sensitive, needlessly violent Gryffindors when seeking to establish useful relationships.
When questioning the application of the various “friendship” techniques we will explore in this book, it is essential to think about the personality of your target and their probable reactionary tactics. You must also consider your goals and what you hope to receive in return for your paltry, disingenuous efforts. For example: It would be best to use traditional means of shared interest when aiming for the friendship of a Ministry Official’s Slytherin son. Then, after obtaining that companion status, you can use the lessons in Chapter Two to plan how you might begin to build working debt(s) owed by this individual. However, if your goal is to become allies with a powerful and justice-bound Gryffindor in a time of danger, then you may need to rely on exploiting their good nature through virtue of your natural cunning. If you try to bribe a well-off Hufflepuff, you may find you have made an enemy instead of a friend. For more information on these two scenarios, consult Chapter Three, The Holier than Thou. Extortion is, by and large, the best way to handle meek students who don’t fall under a category of poverty. Ravenclaws, of course, are above being manipulated.
Know your tools. Understand your target. Use your cunning to obtain your goals in the easiest manner possible! These are the fundamental skills you should have built by the end of this tome.
1 If you’re reading the e-book version it had better be on a dragon-skinned, gold plated computing device. “Muggle Phone” users need not apply.
2 All pure-bloods know the parlor game “Three Degrees to Phineas Nigellus Black.” Memorizing your answers in this game now is a good trick for later; you can use them to impress, intimidate, or leverage your way into many meaningful friendships.
3 Hufflepuffs should probably stick to their fellow duffers -or- muggle kindergarteners; students in other houses and even this book are out of your league. Actually, I’m not even sure how you made it this far. Are you lost?